There is no such thing as an inconsequential problem.
A tiny hole in your tire can cause you to be hours late to work.
Often though, the small problems that balloon into tragedies are the idiosyncratic behaviors of other people that drive us mad.
What happens when after having begged someone to stop one of those maddening behaviors, they refuse and try to make you the bad guy?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) kellerqueen1213 when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
“AITA for insisting my roommates BF put the toilet seat down?”
A brief introduction.
“I (23F) live with my two roommates, ‘Kyla’ (25F) and ‘Brie’ (26F).”
Right on to the problem.
“This issue involves Kyla and her BF “Jack” (30M). We all get along well and consider each other friends more than roommates.”
“Jack comes to the house a couple of times a week and NEVER remembers to put down the toilet seat.”
“I’d been silently dealing with it and putting the seat down whenever I noticed he’d left it up, but it came to a head a couple of days ago.”
“I went to use the bathroom in the middle of the night while I was half asleep.”
“I didn’t realize the seat was up and sat down.”
“It was freezing, and I almost fell into the toilet bowl. I finally decided I need to mention it to Jack to remind him to put the seat down.”
She tried communicating.
“When I brought it up, he got awkward and apologized but said he only grew up with brothers and has a hard time remembering to put it down.”
“I told him I get it, but there are three women that live here, and it isn’t his own home. He needs to remember to put the seat down. He said he’d try.”
“About two weeks later, there was no change, and he kept leaving it up.”
A persistent problem.
“The 3rd time I saw the seat was left up, I called out and said, ‘Jack you left the toilet seat up again! Please remember to put it down. We’ve talked about this”’
“(Kyla’s room is right beside the bathroom, so I knew they could hear me).”
“Later, Kyla came up to my room and said I need to stop embarrassing Jack and making him feel bad about leaving up the seat.”
“She told me he’s feeling really self-conscious about it and didn’t appreciate me bringing it up all the time (this is the second time I’ve mentioned this since we moved in 5 months ago).”
“She said I need to remember he’s not used to sharing space with women as he only grew up with brothers and wants me to be more understanding.”
“I told her I’m not asking for a lot, and putting the toilet seat down, especially when you’re at someone else’s home, and all inhabitants are women, is standard practice and common courtesy.”
“I said I actually find it disrespectful that he hasn’t even tried to make an effort to remember to put it down (it’s happened every time he’s been at the house since we had the initial conversation about it).”
“Kyla said I need to let it go, and if it’s bothering me so much, I can put the seat down myself, but I really don’t think I should have to touch a dirty toilet seat every time someone who doesn’t even live here forgets to put it down.”
“Kyla said she doesn’t want me bringing it up with Jack again, but I said that’s too bad, and I’m going to be mentioning it every time he does it until he starts remembering to put it down.”
“Kyla told me I was being a petty b*tch and left my bedroom.”
“She later sent me a text saying she hopes I’m happy because Jack doesn’t feel comfortable coming to the house anymore, claiming I’m making him self-continuous and uncomfortable.”
OP was left to wonder,
“So AITA for insisting he put the toilet seat down? I’m only wondering because now he’s refusing to come to the house and I’m starting to feel bad”
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Jack was judged harshly.
“The 30-year-old man can’t remember to put the toilet seat now and is now too self-conscious to come back to the apartment. All I can see is good news here. NTA Op.” ~ CommunicationUsed420
“If it was bothering him so much to be asked twice and constantly on his mind to the point he can’t stand to visit anymore, how is it possibly slipping his mind?”
“Kyla’s in for a rough break up in about three years when she realizes her bf is going to expect her to do everything for him because he just can’t wemember 🥺 and is so embawassed when she keeps bringing things up (asks twice).” ~ nork-bork
“NTA. He’s embarrassed because he’s a grown-@ss man and knows that he deserves to feel ashamed about being so inconsiderate.”
“How exactly is he supposed to learn ‘how to exist in the same space as women’ if no one is going to hold him accountable?”
“He apparently isn’t capable or willing to do so himself, something he should feel embarrassed about because it’s f*cking lazy and gross.”
“‘Kyla said she doesn’t want me bringing it up with Jack again'”
“That’s fine. You can call her to the bathroom to be his toilet maid then” ~1568314
It’s a sanitary issue.
“They should all be putting the lid down to flush anyways” ~ Aviendha13
“We always lower the lid in our house, so the toilet seat naturally would go down as well.”
“I will say that I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years and NEVER had an issue with him not lowering the seat or with his aim.”
“Because his parents made sure they all put the seat down (50/50 split of guys to gals in their house), and his mother had him clean around the toilet if there were any issues with aiming.”
“(Same for his sibs as needed).”
“In fact, the only time I run into toilet seats/lids up, dripp-age around the bowl, or other issues is when we have guests.” ~ Western_Compote_4461
“Show him, and GF, a video representation of how much ‘spray’ there is just from flushing the toilet.”
“So not only is he inconveniencing the other members of the house, but he is ‘germing’ up a large portion of the bathroom.”
“Even if he is washing his hands after, if the bathroom is relatively small, he is just getting those pee droplets on his hands when he touches the door handles.”
“As well as spreading those particles to everyone else who then touches the handle.” ~ speakeasy12345
“When I was young, there was a poem that many people used to hang where it could be seen either standing or sitting that referenced being neat & wiping your seat if you ‘piddle’ on it & reminding to close the seat.”
“I have cute stickers that R in my bathroom to remind people to put their seat back down. I also don’t keep my toothbrush in there because of people who refuse to close the seat when flushing.” ~ Imluney
Though not everyone had OP’s back.
“YTA, why is that women feel that men have to put the toilet seat down, IT IS A SIMPLE HINGED DEVICE. Learn to use it.”
“If you are not willing to put the seat up for a man, then don’t expect us to put it down for you.” ~ ConsiderationDue9909
“Equality means everyone has to sort the toilet seat, not just men.” ~ MustNotSay
“Can’t believe I had to go this far down the page to see somebody calling out a grown adult with toilet issues.”
“I’m leaning ESH, but my god, the victim complex here over not scouting where you sh*t is crazy.” ~
“I’ve never understood the argument about putting the seat down. Why isn’t there a ‘women should put the seat up’ argument? Seems a bit sexist in this day and age, to be honest.” ~ Gouldy444444
Really, it’s about manners.
“A gentleman knows that he should put the seat down.”
“Tell your girlfriend how will she feel if she asks her to marry him and she has to run around the house every time her mom comes to their house ensuring the seat is down and the toilet is clean because her ungentlemanly husband is an a***e and doesn’t know good manners.”
“If she likes living with a pig, then move to a sty.” ~ EmbarrassedAd5416
“Not if you’re a guest in a household of women (who all leave the seat down) and have been asked not to do it.”
“Also not when the toilet isn’t like that when he enters the room. You leave things as you find them in someone else’s house unless you have sod all manners.” ~ UWAIN
“‘She told me he’s feeling really self-conscious about it”‘
“Then he needs to stop leaving the toilet seat up.”
“Letting bad manners go because someone is embarrassed being called out on their bad manners is ridiculous, and ‘uncomfortable’ isn’t a magic word to erase the context of the situation.”
“I learned to put the lid down when I moved in with roommates (one roommate’s preference, and none of us cared enough to argue). He can learn to put the seat down after using the toilet in someone else’s home.”
“She’s really coddling him here. But hey, if he doesn’t want to come over anymore, that solves your problem at least.” ~ Kettlewise
Small problems can snowball fast.
This story went from petty annoyance to possible relationship damaging in a handful of months.
Sometimes, you do have to take a stand on the small things before they get to be big things.
Only you can decide if that stand is worth it.